My journey

Photo: Gitam Gabor Toth


 

I was born in Budapest in 1969. Everyone in the family on my father’s side had great spiritual healing powers. My grandfather healed animals and people. He whispered something into their ears that healed them. My father healed people with serious physical handicaps. Three or four sessions were enough to get them out of the wheelchair. Since I was the first girl in this lineage, my father thought I would never have this healing power. Life had pushed us apart, and on rare occasions when we were together, he would not share any information about this “curse”, as he called it, except to say that I had better not known what this “curse” meant.

I didn’t even think about spirituality until I was 26, but then, seemingly out of nowhere, I had the feeling that if life was just about being rich and beautiful, I didn’t want to live. That’s when I found myself in the deepest identity crisis of my life.

I wanted to know the answer to the meaning of life. I was ready to give up my secure existence and devote my full attention to the search on a daily basis. I wanted to find a master who was a deeply committed practitioner, who had dedicated his life to an inward journey. I wanted him/her to tell me what was behind the world of appearance, because I was looking for Truth. It was then that I met my Master of Martial Arts, from whom I learned martial arts and self-knowledge as a private student using the samurai sword as my tool. He told me that he could not show me the truth I was seeking, but he would be there for me when I saw it for myself. I agreed to this and threw myself into a very hard practice. This encounter was a turning point in my life and it became clear to me that my life’s mission was to experience, practice and live a high level of spirituality.

In my family, the healing energy was always activated by some strong spiritual shock. For me, it came in a dream. On one occasion, after a serious spiritual tussle following a personal conflict with my Master, I was in a dream, fighting the shadow side all night long. According to my beliefs at the time, this destructive force took the form of Satan. After I had defeated him, I woke up and knew that something had changed forever in and around me. A very strong energy was flowing from my right palm, and everything seemed much more beautiful and alive than before. I thought that this energy could only come from the one we call Providence, Creator, God, because I had to overcome the “dark” side to get it. I didn’t know then that I was fighting this duel with myself.

I wanted to know everything about what was happening to me and how I could use the energy I had received, this ability, for good. Because I had found out in one of my Master’s training camps that for me, sitting still and silent opened up depths within me that I longed for, I saw this path as the way forward. By mutual agreement with my Master, I (temporarily) put down the sword and set out to find someone who could teach me to sit still in deep meditation for days.

At that time I was still living in Hungary, so I was only looking there. Several people recommended yoga master Olivér Ervin Miklós, who was a great authority in the parallel study of Quantum Physics and Yoga Philosophy, in the practice of Raja yoga, and who also taught at the Buddhist College. I heard that he could sit in samadhi for long periods of time and completely turn off his mind. I approached him and he accepted to teach me.

From then on our lives intertwined until his passing in 2020. We had a son Vince, but I always thought of Ervin as my teacher rather than my husband. We lived a secluded life on a farm where, under his guidance, I began to study the spiritual legacies, scriptures of different cultures and practiced powerful spiritual techniques.

These practices under very challenging circumstances brought me increasingly closer to myself until our dreamlike secluded “monastic life” was crushed by ordinary life’s requirements. After 4 years, I jumped out of the relationship because I clearly saw that I was responsible for my personal life, including my child, and that I was at that time not living my destiny. From then on, Ervin always remained my teacher, my closest friend, and we lived – mostly as each other’s neighbours – as fellow practitioners and parents.

The desire to see and experience “that something” I knew nothing about, but felt was calling me to encounter it, only intensified. After 7 years of intense practice under Ervin’s guidance, I lost my patience and decided to practice 24 hours a day, just to finally experience something powerful, a more direct connection to the Supreme. From then on, whatever I did while awake, I kept my attention on the goal to be achieved with the help of a mantra, and at night I continued the practice in conscious sleep (Conscious dreaming).

I have used this technique to travel between different planes of being and states of consciousness. I connected with different entities, seeking answers to the big questions of existence. Ervin then took a step back, warning me in advance that he would not come with me and that if I got lost here, he might not be able to bring me back. I took the risk and told pompously that I would go on without his mentorship.

I soon reached the point where I could no longer distinguish between waking and dreaming, because in my dreams I experienced intense physical sensations that were more vivid than those of being awake. Fantastic flavours, beautiful colours, and experiences of such ecstasy that every cell in my body was shaking with bliss. And in wakefulness, events happened to me that the rational mind would not have thought possible.

There was a multitude of possibilities of what spiritual powers and abilities I could obtain, but something held me back from saying yes. I felt that the price of more power was to sell my soul, and I had witnessed very bad examples of this in my personal environment.

The astral world is a vast, branching, dangerous maze, and I have met several people in my life who have lost their way or snapped. Nowadays I can tell by “smell” if someone is “stuck” in another plane of existence or in an alliance with low consciousness entities. This is very, very common with spiritual teachers, healers.

After a while I felt something was wrong, I felt no longer able to control my sense of reality. So I contacted a shamanic psychiatrist to examine me and let me know if I was going crazy. He said I had a shamanic disease and that my true healing ability would come when I alone would be able to alternate between normal waking states of consciousness and traveling in the unconscious or dream at will at any time. No confusion, no overlapping, because that’s the difference between a mental patient and a shaman. Actually, I was striving towards becoming more than a shaman.

After that, I did nothing in my dreams. I waited in an image-less void for the experience of Reality or God, moving in and out of dream to wakefulness and back again to become aware of the difference, but what I was waiting for did not happen. I didn’t know where to go next.

Then I “accidentally” met a Sufi Master who offered me a deal: If I would stop my nightly travels, even my meditation on emptiness, I would become able to experience what I had been looking for. He was the first person in my life who radiated an “unknown quality”, that I had never encountered before. He had humility, modesty, boundless love, depth and silence. I trusted him, so I accepted the “deal”. All he did was looking at me, and my mind stopped working. Infinite silence and love was all that remained.

After meeting this Sufi Master, I sat down at home in my usual meditation pose and immediately experienced a powerful energy of love like never before. I experienced a feeling like God had finally shown Himself. The room where I was practicing was filled with a radiant white light, Divine Love itself. I could only cry with joy for hours.

Months after this experience, I realized that I was still merged with others in a way that I could hear the thoughts and feel the feelings of those I looked at. It was incredible to read minds like in the movies! Interestingly enough, I saw two “voices” guiding people: One is a loud “brain machine” constantly airing, which is accepted as unquestionably real, and the other is the voice of the Heart which only suggests softly, so it is not heard most of the time. I have noticed that people very, very rarely speak and act from the Heart, but when they do, they are wonderful and real. And the more they do it, the more authentic their lives become. In fact, that is when they LIVE.

This extraordinary experience made me realize that meeting each other, connecting with each other is only worthwhile from the Heart, because this is where it is possible to really meet, to truly see each other. Heart, Soul, Oneness, Love are mere different expressions for the same quality. They are not different from each other because these expressions describe that we are One, with all conceptual barriers disappearing. That is my greatest joy, to see people return to themselves, to their Heart, where everything becomes unified in the most natural way possible, just as it should be.

 

In 2004, Ervin moved to Portugal to his master Ganga Mira, and I followed him with our son about 2 years later.

I met Ganga, who pointed out to me that behind all my experiences so far, there was still the “I” that was clinging to experiencing, possessing, and to identifying with the “I” who witnesses. The pure Self, the real Self, is free of any self-identification. Not only did she teach me, but she also “pulled” me into this realization. From there she asked me to “keep this silence”, which means not to allow the mind to label this kind of existence, and to degrade it into a state of mind.

Ganga’s existence, her presence, was living proof for me of the possibility of escaping the turmoil of existence. It seemed like moving to Portugal had been a good decision, especially as I could keep my independent lifestyle and only attend satsangs.  After a while, I returned to offer energy healing.

It was around this time that a client told me during a therapy session that she saw two tall white figures at the treatment bedside, telling me that they didn’t want to interfere with what I was doing, just indicating that they were there. At first I said that I didn’t want to hear that, because it went against the teaching I followed, which is that the straight path to liberation is conditioned by the rejection of “heavenly” sounds, lights, forms and therelike that appear after a while to practitioners at a high level. To refuse and move on, that was what I had been destined to do, but then I had to ask my client to leave because a huge headache came over me and I needed to lie down. I lay there for a day, unable to move, and then, like a possessed person, I started to draw and paint geometric shapes, but pretended that this was not happening, because in my belief system there was no place for aliens, as I suspected their presence and influence through the drawings.

Although I had accepted that Ganga’s teachings were the end of the spiritual journey, my mind could not remain silent and slowly pulled me back into the world.

After 7 years in Portugal, I moved away from my withdrawn life into a nearby town with my son Vince because of schooling. That was the time when I realized that I had repeatedly absorbed the sickening energies of my clients during energy healings. On three occasions I had even offered to die instead of the person I was treating. It became obvious that what I was doing was neither compassion nor love, but a misguided approach. I cannot intervene in someone’s fate, I cannot take it upon myself, and I cannot sacrifice myself for them, because not only will I not help, I will harm them, because they will get back their suffering with a detour, until they understand the root cause of their suffering and voluntarily start to eliminate it. If they could get that far, then they can be supported in their efforts.

In the case of my mother, I also intervened in her fate so that she would not have to die, and in doing so I made a grave mistake. I performed a ceremony to restore everyone’s destiny. As a result, after 3 weeks my mother was hospitalised and then died. Meanwhile, my clock was also ticking as a result of another ‘takeover’ incident and it looked very much as if I would not live to see my 50th birthday.

 

I realized I knew nothing about real love, I had strong misconceptions in my head, there was still a lot I had to learn. I have already seen that love is not a sentimental feeling or an emotion, it is not a sacrifice, but it is the essence, the driving force of all existence, and so much more. But what does it look like in practice, how does it apply to the relationship between people?

From then on, the cases became more and more difficult, and I had a growing sense of being fully present and at the same time of not being involved, and I no longer saw death the same way as others do.

At that time I was still working with a pull-out hand technique I had learned in Hungary from the Kazakh healer Sergej Luganskij. My clients were always asking me what I was pulling out of them because some great weight had left their body during the session and they wanted to know exactly what it was. I said I didn’t know and it wasn’t important, but some wouldn’t accept that answer. To solve the problem, I started to communicate with my Higher Self using a fairly well-known method, but very soon it turned out that not only my Higher Self was communicating with me, but also some highly intelligent formless beings. This time I could not resist the temptation to ask them who exactly they were and why they were here?

As it turned out, there are more of them, and among them are those who had indicated 3 years earlier that they were here but did not want to interfere. I flooded them with questions while I told Ervin to come quickly to check who I was talking to, but he rejected to talk them. After a while, he agreed, with the undisguised intention of sending them away after a cross-examination or two – which they would obviously fall for.

He asked them about quantum physics, the workings and nature of the mind, enlightenment, liberation… and other topics where the level of knowledge and awareness of an entity can be easily mapped. Then they began a dictionary discussion in Sanskrit, during which it was revealed that these beings were knowledgeable in the highest teachings and even beyond, but we could not interpret those due to our lack of knowledge. We asked where to look, in which documents to look for the knowledge they were talking about, but they said that most of it was not written down, or had been written down but had disappeared. Once we had established our confidence in these formless beings, we asked about the universe and its inhabitants, about life on Earth and ancient civilisations, about humanoids that lived on Earth before us. We noticed their unique sense of humour and that they “think” in a logical system and context that is unparalleled. The picture came together, they are formless beings of a very high level of love and consciousness, living in another dimension, on another planet (loka). They are neither angels, nor demigods, nor gods, they are higher than that. They are also seeking the ultimate liberation, when they no longer have to be reborn anywhere, in any form. Since they are mentioned in the Vedas and Buddhist scriptures I calmed down and started calling them “Guides”.

 

I asked the Guides to teach me.  As a first step, they made me throw out all the charts I had used in my communication with the Higher Self, which contained words and concepts. They said the charts were outdated, belonged to the old energy, and therefore started to make me write new tables and systems that corresponded to the new energy.

 

It became obvious that this meant a major shift for me, because I was embarking on a path that I, as a pioneer, would have to tread and discover completely on my own. The fact that I could finally build my own system filled me with more alarming feelings than pride: I had studied and strived for 20 years, yet now I found myself more worried and anxious than before, when I was a student of masters and they had carried the responsibility for me. I did not want to grow up. I wanted to remain a child-apprentice forever, while the way was opened for me to assemble and create my own life’s work, which I somewhat wanted more than anything. The two sides in me fought against each other at the same time.

I certainly would not have started my work with the Guides without Ervin. Even though he was unfamiliar with the territory and told me that I had to go here alone because he had a different path, there was still the reassurance that if he felt, heard or saw me starting to lose my way or my credibility being questioned, he would let me know immediately. I accepted that we didn’t have to walk the same path yet could give credibility to what the other person was doing – and decided to get more involved in the contact with the Guides.

 

They told me that they used to live here in Antarctica when it was a thriving civilization. Although they had left the Earth along with several other entities who had established civilizations in other regions of the planet, they would like to keep in touch with us humans for educational purposes. Especially now as crucial changes are happening and will happen that have never been seen before in the history of Earth. According to them, we Earthlings know literally nothing about this. Of course, I wanted to know everything right away, but they said they could give me information and teach me only what would help me in my destiny and fulfillment. For me, in order to be taught more effectively, there were two places in the world where they could impart this knowledge. One was in Antarctica and the other in Chile-Patagonia in the bay of Fuerte Bulnes, nearest to Antarctica.  Since I couldn’t make it to Antarctica for a long-term retreat, I was left with the option of Patagonia.

It was obvious that if I wanted to be a credible connector, this trip was not a choice to make but a requirement. Furthermore, I felt that my life would have to change radically if I wanted to keep up with the Earth progressing into the new energy. But I knew from experience that if I wanted to make a substantial change on my own, I was very likely to repeat the same hidden patterns that had made me sick, discontent and misguided. There was nothing left but to trust them and leap into the total unknown. Not only did I want to let go of the old patterns, but I wanted to experience a side of life that had only been in my fondest dreams. I figured before I would let go of my attachments, I should at least know what exactly I was letting go of. This included experiencing the highest level of love relationships and physical union. I was ready for it with individual energetic practice, but the peak experience was still to come. Dual couple, soulmate, twin flame, tantric union…. What is the truth in these fields? I was interested in everything. And lastly, experiencing and living the love that is not only bound to one or more persons, but that transcends all of these, the love that my Guides represented.

All the while, I wanted to be surrounded by people who were moving towards a high quality of life, respecting, supporting and appreciating each other. I wanted to know more about the workings, the interconnections, the truth behind the world of appearances. It’s not a small thing, but my Guides gave me a nod to this wish list, so I embarked on a 2-month retreat at the end of the world alone, with a new language, in an environment that was completely alien to me. Thanks to my heroic character, I put all my eggs in one basket. I decided to follow the path my Guides suggested. Ervin and Vince encouraged me not to give up until I had done what I had set out to do, so 2 months turned into 2.5 years at the end of the world on my own.

In the beginning everything, but everything they said about changing my life went against the way I saw the world at that time, we basically didn’t agree on almost a single point. Although my mind kept screaming and resisting, I persistently said yes to their guidance. We “quarreled” many times…

After arriving, I could not go to the given location because it was a closed, uninhabited area which was 60 km away from my accommodation. Until all my money was gone, this did not change. When I threw my second credit card in the bin and didn’t know where I was going to sleep that night, suddenly all the doors opened and I was on my way up at rocket speed. Very soon I began to feel, as a result of the Guides’ teachings, that my life had not been upgraded or perfected, but that I had been given a new life with a new outlook on the world, a new personality, new thought patterns and the fulfilment of my desires. It was a qualitative shift, a real paradigm shift. Meanwhile, my last hour struck, which I had felt coming years ago, but with this radical change of destiny and the protection of my Guides, I stayed alive, although it had turned out to be only a matter of a hair’s breadth that I was not laid to rest in Patagonia. I also gathered a small group of people around me, from whom I received a lot of support and love. AND I got my wish to experience the highest degree of tantric union, but it was far from what I had had in mind.

One day an unknown man called me for a meeting to discuss the reason for my presence there and offered his help. People I knew told me to accept this invitation because he was a very peculiar and knowledgeable man. He picked me up in his car and we just drove off somewhere in the bright sunshine. Perhaps not a minute had passed when I felt his presence taking me in a direction I had never experienced before, but I couldn’t place it because it had nothing to do with his physical appearance. I told him that I couldn’t be around people right now and preferred to be alone, to which he stopped and said that we’d arrived then, because he was almost my neighbour. He offered me a cup of tea in his apartment and sat down opposite me on the other side of the coffee table. He talked for a few minutes about the local indigenous people, about being one of them, but then I couldn’t hear much more of what he was saying.

I told him I couldn’t take my eyes off him, I had to look at him, but I couldn’t really talk or move because everything was slowing down and running out, so he fell silent. A thought crossed my mind that I had probably been saying that sentence an hour or more ago, and then I felt that I had been thinking that thought for at least an hour, time had slowed down so much. Then all that was left was a void of pure presence, a deep silence that was fuller than anything I had ever experienced with a partner. After a while I remembered that it was pitch black and perhaps hours had passed in nothingness, in stillness, in silence. All I could ask was, “what now”? He said he was moving to Barcelona in a few days, because he owed it to himself and his people to get another degree and a doctorate, but he would be back in 3 years. And I said that I owe it to myself and people around me to channel the new energies here in Patagonia. We said goodbye with two friendly kisses and I stumbled home.

I immediately called Ervin to ask him what had happened, and he told me that this was the fruit and the pinnacle of tantric couples practice. The couples path could take me this far, this wholeness I should now experience on my own. He also said that the reason it could happen with such speed was because we had practiced it well in our previous lives, which is why we recognized each other immediately. I started to argue that I hadn’t prepared myself for years in order to have good sex with my tantric partner, only to have him appear and disappear without even touching me! I could not and would not accept that this journey was over and finished before it began. My “tantric partner” also only awoke in Barcelona and told me that from now on we would live together in each other forever and although there was no physical closeness, I would feel his touch because he was there with me, and what was happening to me, he would also feel.

And he proved it, further complicating everything and making this crazy situation untenable. I decided to forcibly break off this relationship.

 

From this tantric experience onwards, the Guides who remained with me until 2023, would immediately send me messages of “infidelity”, “betrayal”, “mistake” whenever I tried to connect with someone else with a romantic intention. In reality, after this experience, every connection seemed lacking something and left a void. However, I didn’t want to accept that from then on I would have to carry on alone for the rest of my life. Years after the encounter, I have come to the point where I am experience ing more and more of the sense of fulfillment I felt then, but it is no longer tied to any partner or external cause.

After 2.5 years in Patagonia and only a few months before the world learned about COVID, my Guides sent me back to Europe. They told me there were very big changes coming up in the world and I wouldn’t be able to travel at first because we would be locked down. So I should go home right away to my family and connect with my own Guides, and with the people who would resonate with my story, my message, and with those who needed a handhold in the midst of intense change.

 

The time had come that humankind had to choose between staying in the 3rd dimensional existence we have been living in, or crossing over to the 5th dimension without changing physical bodies. This choice would split the world in two. I had to tell people that by the end of 2023, it would be decided who belonged to which side.

 

Many people would pay a high price for breaking out of the old, which they would either experience as a rise or a fall. According to my Guides, after the split there was no way to change which side you belong to, but for those who were not satisfied with their fate, the path of ultimate liberation, enlightenment would always be there as an option, even though much slower to reach from the 3rd dimensional existence than before.

 

Ervin passed away in October 2020. He left his body through conscious breathing and previous exercises, showing a beautiful example of how death is a joyful event that can leave behind liberation, light and immense love after a spiritually fulfilled life. After his death, a rainbow appeared in the sky and we who remained in the physical world, hugged each other happily.

 

After his death I had to grow up irrevocably and “take my place”. It was harder than I thought it would be. After two years of being orphaned, I felt it was enough of the self-pity, I needed another big clean-up. So I moved back to our forest farm in Hungary all by myself and set off on a big letting go retreat. I experienced 10 months of solitude in the reality of Nógrád (a county in the north of Hungary), where I was mostly tested not by the forces of nature, but by the level of consciousness represented by the uninvited visitors on the farm premises. After a long, cold winter, spring led to a breakthrough. I recognised in myself that “I made it”!  I didn’t know exactly what, but the fear, need and desire for a partner, teacher, master, or anyone else was gone. I felt that I had no more great goals to achieve in this life, no more adventures calling me. I increasingly experienced a spontaneous silence that has been more attractive to me than anything else.

 

In the summer of 2023, the teacher Guides also said goodbye, not only to me, but to everyone they had been working with. They said that their time was up, and that to stay any longer would be interference with our destiny. They have taught us for decades, now it was time for the exam to take until October when it would be decided which side we had chosen: being stuck in the old world that was falling or being ready to create a new world.

 

It seems I am not destined to live the life of a hermit, for I had been thrust out into the world again. I sold the house in Hungary that was once intended to be a place of family monastic life and returned to Portugal, but now I have only been connecting with those with whom it is mutually nourishing and joyful to be together.

 

Nowadays I have people coming to me in the same way as before, but I no longer connect them with their Guides, but with their true Self, the Source. Apparently I am doing the same as before, but the difference is indescribable. My healing and attunement to the new energy represents the clean, direct straight path, and also during retreats I help to connect to the true Self.

 

People keep asking me why I don’t teach my technique? It is because the tool and technique alone are worthless. It is the integrity of the teacher, the healer, that brings the change. Therefore, I prefer to focus on working together with my clients to find their personalized technique, to develop the ability to hear their inner voice, which allows them to stay in a constant state of change and to sense when they need to change their method. For me, since first my contact, my guides have changed constantly as my level of awareness has risen. I have had to constantly rewrite my session charts, expand my teaching, something always had to change and I am still changing to this day.

…but my journey has not yet ended…