My journey

Photo: Gitam Gabor Toth

I was born in Budapest in 1969. Everyone in the family on my father’s side had great spiritual healing powers. My grandfather healed animals and people. He whispered something into their ears that healed them. My father healed people with serious physical handicaps. Three or four sessions were enough to get them out of the wheelchair. Since I was the first girl in this lineage, my father thought I would never have this healing power. Life had pushed us apart, and on rare occasions when we were together, he would not share any information about this “curse”, as he called it, except to say that I had better not known what this “curse” meant.

I didn’t even think about spirituality until I was 26, but then, seemingly out of nowhere, I had the feeling that if life was just about being rich and beautiful, I didn’t want to live. That’s when I found myself in the deepest identity crisis of my life.

I wanted to know the answer to the meaning of life. I was ready to give up my secure existence and devote my full attention to the search on a daily basis. I wanted to find a master who was a deeply committed practitioner, who had dedicated his life to an inward journey. I wanted him to tell me what was behind the world of appearance, because I was looking for Truth. It was then that I met my Master of Martial Arts, from whom I learned martial arts and self-knowledge as a private student using the samurai sword as my tool. He told me that he could not show me the truth I was seeking, but he would be there for me when I saw it for myself. I agreed to this and threw myself into a very hard practice. This encounter was a turning point in my life and it became clear to me that my life’s mission was to experience, practice and live a high level of spirituality.

In my family, the healing energy was always activated by some strong spiritual shock. For me, it came in a dream. On one occasion, after a serious spiritual tussle following a personal conflict with my Master, I was in a dream, fighting the shadow side all night long. According to my beliefs at the time, this destructive force took the form of Satan. After I had defeated him, I woke up and knew that something had changed forever in and around me. A very strong energy was flowing from my right palm, and everything seemed much more beautiful and alive than before. I thought that this energy could only come from the one we call Providence, Creator, God, because I had to overcome the “dark” side to get it. I didn’t know then that I was fighting this duel with my own dark side.

I wanted to know everything about what was happening to me and how I could use the energy I had received, this ability, for good. Because I had found out in one of my Master’s training camps that for me, sitting still and silent opened up depths within me that I longed for, I saw this path as the way forward. By mutual agreement with my Master, I (temporarily) put down the sword and set out to find someone who could teach me to sit still in deep meditation for days. 

At that time I was still living in Hungary, so I was only looking there. Several people recommended yoga master Olivér Miklós Ervin, who was a great authority in the parallel study of Quantum Physics and Yoga Philosophy, in the practice of Raja yoga, and who also taught at the Buddhist College. I heard that he could sit in samadhi for long periods of time and completely turn off his mind. I approached him and he accepted to teach me.

From then on our lives intertwined until his passing in 2020. We had a son Vince, but I always thought of Ervin as my teacher rather than my husband. We lived a secluded life on a farm where, under his guidance, I began to study the spiritual legacies of different cultures and to practice powerful spiritual techniques. These led me deeper and deeper into myself, but the desire to see and experience “that something” I knew nothing about, but felt was calling me to an encounter, only intensified.

After 7 years I lost my patience and decided to practice 24 hours a day, just to finally experience something powerful, a more direct experience. From then on, whatever I did while awake, I kept my attention on the goal to be achieved with the help of a mantra, and at night I continued the practice in conscious sleep (Conscious dreaming).

I have used this technique to travel between different planes of being and states of consciousness. I connected with different entities, seeking answers to the big questions of existence. Ervin then took a step back, warning me in advance that he would not come with me and that if I got lost here, he might not be able to bring me back. I took the risk and told pompously that I would go on without his mentorship.

I soon reached the point where I could no longer distinguish between waking and dreaming, because in my dreams I experienced intense physical sensations that were more vivid than those of being awake. Fantastic flavours, beautiful colours, and experiences of such ecstasy that every cell in my body was shaking with happiness. And in wakefulness, events happened to me that the rational mind would not have thought possible.

There was a multitude of possibilities of what spiritual powers and abilities I could receive, but something held me back from saying yes. I felt that the price of power was to sell my soul, and I had witnessed very bad examples of this in my environment.

The astral world is a vast, branching, dangerous labyrinth, and I have met several people in my life who have lost their way or snapped. Nowadays I can tell by “smell” if someone is “stuck” in another plane of existence or in an alliance with low consciousness entities. This is very, very common with spiritual teachers, healers.

After a while I felt something was wrong, so I contacted a shamanic psychiatrist to examine me and let me know if I was going crazy. He said I had a shamanic disease and that my true healing ability would come when I alone would be able to alternate between normal waking states of consciousness and traveling in the unconscious or dream at will at any time. No confusion, no overlapping, because that’s the difference between a mental patient and a shaman.

After that, I did nothing in my dreams. I waited in an image-less void for the experience of Reality or God, moving in and out of dream to wakefulness and back again to become aware of the difference, but what I was waiting for did not happen. I didn’t know where to go next.

Then I “accidentally” met a Sufi Master who offered me a deal. If I would stop my nightly travels, even my meditation on emptiness, I could experience what I was looking for. He was the first person in my life who radiated an “unknown quality”, that I had never encountered before. He had humility, modesty, boundless love, depth and silence. I trusted him, so I accepted the “deal”. Then he looked at me and my mind stopped working. All that remained was infinite silence and love.

After meeting him, I sat down at home in my usual meditation pose and then, after years of trying, I finally experienced a powerful energy of love like never before. I experienced a feeling like God had finally shown Himself. The room where I was practicing was filled with a brilliant white light, Love itself. I could only cry with joy for hours. For months after this experience, I still had the feeling that I had merged with others. I heard the thoughts and felt the feelings of those I looked at. It was incredible to read minds like in the movies! I saw two “voices” guiding people. One is a loud “brain machine” constantly on the air, which is accepted as unquestionably real, and the other is the voice of the Heart which only suggests softly, so it is not heard most of the time. I have noticed that people very, very rarely speak and act from the Heart, but when they do, they are wonderful, real. And the more they do it the more authentic their lives become. In fact, that is when they LIVE.

I realized that meeting each other, connecting with each other, is worthwhile from here (from the Heart), because this is where it is possible to really meet, to truly see each other. Heart, Soul, Oneness, Love are mere different expressions for the same, as there are no differences, because there we are One, with conceptual barriers disappearing. That is my greatest joy, to see people return to themselves, to their Heart, where everything becomes unified in the most natural way possible, just as it should be.

In 2006 I met a master, who for me represents and teaches liberation, enlightenment. I lived with her for 7 years in Portugal. Her existence, her presence is living proof for me of the possibility of liberation from the whirlpool of existence, which for me is the greatest thing that can happen to a human being. I recognised that this was the end of the road in terms of any spiritual practice. Experiences of my true Nature, glimpses of the true Self were given to me – nothing more is there to be achieved spiritually, but staying in the true Self in quiet. 

It was around this time that a client told me during a therapy session that she saw two tall white figures at the treatment bedside, telling me that they didn’t want to interfere with what I was doing, just indicating that they were there. At first I said that I didn’t want to hear this, because it went against the teaching I followed, which is that the straight path to liberation is conditioned by the rejection of “heavenly” sounds, lights, forms and therelike that appear after a while to practitioners at a high level. To refuse and move on, that was what I had been destined to do, but then I had to ask my client to leave because a huge headache came over me and I needed to lie down. I lay there for a day, unable to move, and then, like a possessed person, I started to draw and paint geometric shapes, but pretended that this was not happening, because in my belief system there was no place for aliens, as I suspected their presence and influence through the drawings.

A few years later, I got sick and it seemed I was going to leave this existence. I felt I had to learn something about love, I had strong delusions in my head. I intervened in the fate of my loved ones several times during the healing process, so that they would not have to die, and in return I offered my own life, which of course was never accepted from the other side. Then I slowly understood that I could not interfere in anyone’s fate, take it upon myself and sacrifice myself for them, because that is not love, so I gave their fate back. Three weeks after the realization and letting go, my Mother was hospitalized and died.
And I stayed and I am still alive… I realized that I know nothing about love, except that it is not a sentimental feeling or an emotion, it is not a sacrifice, but it is the essence, the driving force of all existence, and more.

Meanwhile, I have been studying energy healing for years with the Kazakh healer Sergey Lugansky and have been healing with his “pull-out” technique. My clients were always asking me what I pulled out of them because some great weight had left their body, they needed to know exactly what it was. I said I didn’t know and it wasn’t important, but they wouldn’t accept that answer. Then someone suggested that I learn a technique (SVT) on how to contact my higher self and then how to ask it questions. I learnt and very soon I found out that not only my higher self was communicating with me, but also some highly intelligent entities. As it turned out they were the high white entities who had indicated 3 years earlier that they were here but did not want to interfere. But now I felt it was time to accept their presence and find out exactly who they are and why they are here.

I flooded them with questions, then asked Ervin to help me ask more questions to find out exactly who I was communicating with. We questioned them for days. It turned out that they weren’t just some stray entities playing jokes on me, because we asked them about quantum physics, how the mind works, enlightenment, liberation… and other topics where the knowledge and consciousness level of an entity can be easily mapped. Once we had established trust, we asked about the universe and its inhabitants, about life on Earth and ancient civilisations, even before the emergence of humanoids. We noticed that they have a unique sense of humour and that they “think” in a logical system and context that is unparalleled. The picture came together that they are disembodied beings of a very high level of love and consciousness, living in another dimension, on another planet or being, but not angels. Then I started calling them Guides.

I asked them to teach me. First they made me throw out the system and the ancient chart they had taught me in SVT school, and then they started to make me write theirs. It became obvious that this was a big change for me, because I was embarking on a path that I would have to explore and discover on my own as a pioneer. The fact that I could finally build my own system filled me with anxiety rather than pride. That’s why I studied and strived for 20 years, yet now I have more worries and concerns than before, when I was a student of Masters and they took the responsibility for me. I did not want to grow up. I wanted to remain a child apprentice forever, while the way was opened for me to assemble and create my own life’s work, which I wanted more than anything. The two fought together, at the same time. I certainly would not have started without Ervin. Even though he was unfamiliar with the territory and told me that I had to go here alone because he had a different path, if he felt, heard or saw me starting to lose my way or my credibility being questioned, he would let me know immediately.

I accepted it, because we don’t have to go down the same path to feel if the other is authentic in what they do or not.

I decided to get more into the contacts. They told me that they used to live here in Antarctica when it was a thriving civilization. Although they have left the Earth along with several other entities who have established civilizations in other areas of the planet, they would like to keep in touch with us for educational purposes. Especially now, because changes are happening and will happen that have never been seen before in the history of the Earth. According to them, we Earthlings know virtually nothing, absolutely nothing about these changes. Of course, I wanted to know everything right away, but they said they could only give me information and teach me only what would help me with my destiny and fulfillment. For me, in order to teach more effectively, there are two places in the world where I can transmit this knowledge. One is in Antarctica and the other is in Chile-Patagonia in the bay of Fuerte Bulnes, nearest to Antarctica. Since I couldn’t make it to Antarctica for a long-term retreat, I was left with Patagonia.

It was obvious that if I wanted to be a credible connector, this trip was not an option but a requirement. Furthermore, I felt that my life would have to change radically if I wanted to keep up with progress. But I knew from experience that if I wanted to make a meaningful change on my own, there was a good chance I would repeat the same hidden patterns that had been making me sick and only created dissatisfaction. There was nothing left but to trust them and leap into the total unknown. Not only did I want to let go of the old patterns, but I wanted to experience a side of life that had only been in my pipe dreams. I thought before I let go, I should at least know what exactly I was letting go of. This included experiencing romantic relationships and the highest level of physical union. I was ready with individual practice, but the top experience was still to come. Dual couples, soulmate, twin flame, tantric union…. What is the truth in this area? I was interested in everything. And finally, experiencing and living the love that is not tied to one or more person, but goes beyond all of that, the love that my Guides represent. All the while, I wanted to be with people who were moving towards a life lived at a high quality level, respecting, supporting and appreciating each other. I wanted to know more about the workings, the connections, the truth behind the world of appearances. It’s not a small thing, but my Guides encouraged me to do this wish list, so I embarked on a 2 month retreat, which turned into 2 years and 2 months at the end of the world, alone, with a new language, in a completely alien environment for me. Thanks to my heroic character, I put all my eggs in one basket. I decided to follow the path they suggest.

In the beginning, everything and anything they said about changing my life went against the way I saw the world at the time, we hardly agreed on a single point. My mind was constantly screaming and resisting but I said yes to their guidance. We “argued” many times.

After my arrival, I could not go to the given location, because it was a closed, uninhabited area, which was 60 km away from my accommodation. Until all my money and possessions were gone, this did not change. When I had thrown my second credit card in the trash and didn’t know where I was going to sleep that night, suddenly all the doors opened and I was on my way up at rocket speed. Very soon I began to feel, as a result of the Guides’ teachings, that my life had not been upgraded or perfected, but that I had been given a new life with a new outlook on the world, a new personality, new thought patterns and the fulfilment of my desires. It was a quality shift, a real paradigm shift. 

After 2 years, I had just accepted that Patagonia would be my new home when my Guides sent me back to Europe. They told me that very big changes were coming. “The world will be torn in two”, that I shall connect with their own Guides those people, in whom my story, my message, resonates, who need a support in the midst of this intense change. Last chance to choose between staying in the 3rd dimensional existence we have been living in, or crossing over into the 5th dimension without having to change physical bodies. It sounded completely out of whack, but I still believed in them. (I wrote more about this process in my blog).

As soon as I returned to Portugal, the covid craze in China broke out two months later and soon the whole world was on lockdown. That was just the beginning. Three years on, many people are still paying a high price for breaking away from the old, which they experience as either a rise or a fall.

People often ask me why I don’t give them my charts, why I don’t teach them the technique? It’s because tools and techniques are worthless without the right people behind them. Since the first contact, I have been changing Guides constantly as my level of awareness has increased. I had to constantly rewrite my charts, expand my teaching, something always had to change and I still changes to this day. Therefore, I prefer to focus on working with my clients to find their personalized technique that ensures absolute authenticity so that it never expires.

Ervin left the earthly rotation of existence in October 2020, a beautiful example of how leaving the body is a joyous event that can leave behind liberation, light and immense love after a spiritually fulfilling life on a high level.

After his passing, I had to irrevocably grow up and “take my place”. It was harder than I thought it would be.

After two years of being orphaned, I felt I needed a clean sweep once again. All alone, I moved back to our woodland farm in Hungary and embarked on a final big purge, letting go in a 10 month retreat.

It was a tough winter, the loneliness and the reality of the area, but it was worth it, because I suddenly realised: ‘I did it’! I didn’t know exactly what, but on every level the need and desire for companionship, a companion, a teacher, a Master, or anyone else, was gone. I felt that I had no more goals to achieve in this life, no more adventures calling me, more and more spontaneous silence within me, no more practicing, just being.

And then the Guides said goodbye, not just to me, but to everyone. They said their time was up, that to stay any longer would be to interfere with our destiny. They have taught us for long decades, now comes the exam. By October 2023, everyone will have to decide which side they have chosen, stuck in the old one that is falling or ready to create a new one.

It seems I am not destined for hermitage, for I have been thrust out into the world again, but now I connect only with those with whom it is mutually nourishing and joyful to be with.

Now I have people coming to me as before, but I no longer connect them with their Guides, but with their higher-self. Seemingly I am doing the same as before, but the difference is indescribable. My healing represents the clean, direct, straightforward path.

…but my journey has not yet ended…